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December 29 Mystery ManHola everybody-
Well, I am still sad today. But it's not your normal sad, it's a ....lonley and depressing sad....but being sad can be lonley and it can most defintley be depressing so I guess I"m the normal sad, hehe.
Today was my step-mom's (B) bithday. We had dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It was delish. I am offically Texas Roadhouse'ed out. I"ve eaten there like 4 times in the past month and a half. If I hear one more country song....
I think that's why I'm sad. Listenting to the country music puts me in a sad mood. I don't think that this time was because of the music though, it just helped. All I could think about while we were having dinner was how I just wanted to be held. Not by anybody inpeticular, just a guy. I imagined myself in a low lit room and I was slow dancing close with some guy and it just felt so good being in their strong ams and being able to lay my head on their shoulder. There is something about slow dancing that I love. It's the closeness (cheek to cheek) and the warmness and the feeling of their arms around me. I just feel loved and important and warm. There is nothing sexual or kinky about it, it's just human nature to want to be held close to someone.
Tonight I realized that I have a weakness. I need men in my life. I am starting to think that I am not as strong as I thought I was as far as being independent. I told myself that when I was single again that I would stay that way for a long while. I felt like I needed that time to be strong in myself and not to rely on guys for support and hard times. I"m not the kind of girl that NEEDS a boyfriend to be secure, I just need male companionship. There IS a difference. I have had a couple of guys show intrest in me since the break up and I find myself imagining dating them already .....and I keep telling myself, "MINDY, THERE IS NO REASON TO !! YOU CAN BE JUST AS OK BY YOURSELF" but it's really hard. My biggest problem now is that I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to go on dates, kiss whoever and have some fun. That is so not like me but that is how I feel. I feel like I've deprived myself of fun for a loooong time.
So I don't know. I"m in a really hard and confusing spot. I think I want to date other people (or at least kiss them, hehe) but at the same time I am just now realizing how much Stephen means to me....he was always there for me without question and would do anything for me. I still love him so much and I don't think that will ever go away. I'm being pulled in 2 different ways. If anyone has the answer let me know, haha. It would save me lots of thought and grief.
I've been listening to Bryan Adams' "Anthology" (Everything I do) I do it for you" for the past half an hour. I love that song. That would be one of the songs on the C.D. playing during my slow dance with the mystery man. I wonder if I will find out who he is.
Person of the day is my uncle, Rusty. He's not very well off but he's got a huge heart. I've always liked him. He's one of my favorite uncles.
Word of the day is slow. Since christmas, things are going slow and that is GOOD. I really deserved a break from work and school. Life in general should slow way down. I'm one of those people who don't mind waiting an hour at a resturant for a table. I can entertain myself and talk to my lunch/dinner date about anything. I am content on just sitting and waiting and talking about nothing.
I hope all who read this sleep well and have a sweet dream or two. Drink a couple of glasses of water while you're at it. Nobody drinks water anymore...always pop. It's not good for ya. Much prayer for me and good night all.
In the words of Kip on Napolean Dynomite, "Peace Out."
Mindy Lousters
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